Last week I watched a TV programme fronted by Jonathan Meades which was an annotated travelogue through post-industrial Scotland. Meades’s starting point was the almost poetic litany of the names of Scottish football clubs as heard in the results on Saturday afternoons.

Unlike those from England, very few of whom have names that are geographically indeterminate, at least at first glance* (the exceptions are Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton, Queen’s Park Rangers, Port Vale, Tranmere Rovers; at a pinch Crystal Palace) and most of which are relatively prosaic (Swindon Town, Derby County, Bristol City) – only Nottingham Forest, Sheffield Wednesday, Plymouth Argyle and Crewe Alexandra have any rhetorical flourish – a disturbingly large number of Scottish teams’ names give no clue to their geographical location.

*I know Arsenal were once Woolwich Arsenal and that Everton is a district of Liverpool – as Tranmere is of Birkenhead – but Port Vale (the club plays in Burslem) isn’t on maps any more – if it ever was – and the Crystal Palace is long gone: which just leaves QPR and Villa – which may well be a Birmingham geographical locator of which I am ignorant.

The list of obscurely named Scottish clubs is much longer.

I have already, of course, mentioned Kirkcaldy’s finest, Raith Rovers (dancing in the streets of Raith.) There are two Saints – of Mirren and Johnstone (and until World War 2 there was a third; of Bernard’s) – a Clyde, a Hibernian, two Queens, Queen’s Park and Queen Of The South – famously the only football team mentioned in the Bible, an Albion Rovers and two Easts, of Fife and Stirlingshire, which could be located anywhere in their respective counties. In the case of East Stirlingshire their peregrinations actually took them as far west as Clydebank for a season before returning to their Firs Park home in Falkirk, which they have now had to leave; renting space at Stenhousemuir’s ground nearby.

In this context Rangers and Celtic do not count as their full names include the prefix Glasgow. Similarly it is Greenock Morton. While Midlothian as a county no longer exists, Heart Of Midlothian – the actual heart of the county is in the centre of Edinburgh, not off Gorgie Road; and there is a mosaic over the spot which is supposed to confer luck if you spit into it (Edinburgh is not quite the douce place you might take it for) – are named for a Walter Scott novel, apparently via a local dance hall. Likewise the County of Ross is no more; in any case the eponymous club plays out of Dingwall. Was there ever a county of Stockport by the way? Yes, and no. A county borough apparently.

There is a Raith estate in Kirkcaldy – and a former Raith cinema – so the name makes some sense; but it’s not on any maps of Scotland. Clyde are somewhat disappointingly so called because they first played by the banks of that river, though they now rent a ground in Cumbernauld from the local council.

The Paisley club St Mirren are named after the local Saint, Mirin; St Johnstone from Saint John’s town (of Perth,) and the now long defunct St Bernard’s after a local well by the Water of Leith.

East Fife are located in Methil in … err … east Fife. Like (Glasgow) Celtic, Hibernian FC’s name reflects the Irish roots of its founders but otherwise has no relevance to Edinburgh, or Leith if you must, where they are domiciled.

Albion Rovers play home games in Coatbridge and were formed from a merger between teams called, rather prosaically, Albion and Rovers.

Queen’s Park is obvious but its city isn’t. (Compare Queen’s Park Rangers.) There was, too, once a King’s Park club, but that was in Stirling. Queen Of The South is an epithet given to the town of Dumfries by the poet David Dunbar. The club which took the name amalgamated in 1919 from other teams in the area including 5th Kircudbrightshire Rifle Volunteers and 5th King’s Own Scottish Borderers. In this regard the former Third Lanark team (based in Glasgow, not Lanark) were also geographically obscure, and were again derived from a military source, the Third Lanarkshire Rifle Volunteers.

Historical teams in this vein are Northern, whose ground was in Springburn in Glasgow, and Thistle who also played in Glasgow at Braehead. This last is not to be confused with Partick Thistle whose ground is actually in the Maryhill district of Glasgow and not in Partick itself. Other former Scottish League clubs Solway Star, Nithsdale Wanderers and Mid-Annandale (originally Vale Of Dryfe!) had, though, some geographical pointer in their names, albeit to a wide area.

The daddy of all such non-geographically named teams is Royal Albert, for two and a half years in the 1920s members of the Scottish League. Based in Larkhall, they now play junior football. The name comes from a ship their founder also owned. They apparently bear a relationship to the Hawick team, Hawick Royal Albert, who were founded by a man from Larkhall.

I hope all is clear now.

Galabank 18/7/09: 19/7/09

Dumbarton 1-1 Queen Of The South (6-7 on pens.)
Annan Athletic 3-3 Dumbarton (4-2 on pens.)

You can’t draw inferences for the oncoming season from pre-season games. Last season we didn’t win many pre-season encounters and it turned out well.

I must say, though, that while at the end of last season I couldn’t wait for the new one to start, as it has approached I have become more and more wary.

We have two games against higher opposition to kick off the new term; Morton in the Challenge Cup on Sunday, and Dunfermline in the CIS on Aug 1^st. The only consolation is that they are both at home.

There’s a friendly against Middlesbrough tomorrow night too, a Stirlingshire Cup tie versus the Shire to squeeze in next midweek and the squad is by no means settled. We don’t seem to have a left back. I hope things don’t fall apart.

Dumbarton lost only seven league matches last season.

Yet I was at four of them. (The two against the Shire at Ochilview, the January game in Cowdenbeath and the March game at Montrose.)

Until April I had only seen us win one league game (at Montrose in October) plus the penalty shoot out against Annan in the CIS way back in August. There were two draws along the way though.

On the face of it that would suggest I am a bit of a jinx.

But I can only really get to away games since I live so far from the Rock and the likelihood is always that the away team doesn’t do as well as it does at home; so that sequence wasn’t really a statistical quirk just an inevitable consequence of being a long distance supporter.

But in a triumph of perseverance – and hope firmly suppressed – I then saw us win two games in four days; at Ochilview against Stenny and at Forfar. The championship became a possibility that week because Cowden were not winning.

The rest is history.

All in, in the league I saw 4 wins, 3 draws and those 4 defeats.

As I mentioned before, for me eight out of nine of the away venues are travellable next season. Will I see more than three away wins?

The Rock, 3/3/09

That’s better! Three points, two strikers scoring and a clean sheet is more like it. Just goes to show the difference home advantage makes. We’ve got to build on this with two more home games coming up.

So it’s back to the status quo ante vis-a-vis the top four in Div 3 after the respective double headers, with a home win each and no change in goal difference. (Makes you wonder why they bothered to play the games at all.)

Ochilview, 28/2/09

I’ve waited 24 hours to post this and I’m still angry.

I paid my money yesterday to watch a football game. I got a farce instead.

Quite simply I witnessed the worst refereeing decision of my life; and that is no mean achievement as the competition up to now has been fierce.

1-1 and Dumbarton running the game. The Shire finally get upfield and Andy Rodgers throws himself to the ground. Free-kick – for which the ref was conned.

But that wasn’t the worst decision.

From the free-kick the ball eventually gets into the box and a Shire player lets it run away from him. There was no contact with the defending player. One second later the Shire player decides to fall down. When the ref blew I thought he was going to book him for diving. But he’s given a penalty. A penalty! It wasn’t even a joke award. It was completely and utterly baffling. Beyond ridiculous. Even the Shire fans on Pie And Bovril don’t know what it was for. Two scandalous (I mean that word literally) decisions in a row, both to our detriment. In the resulting protestations Mark Canning got booked. The BBC report even more mystifyingly says the award was for a hand-ball. But the ref played on till the Shire man threw himself down. You don’t play advantage for a handball in the box, surely? You give it straight away.
Not a single Shire player appealed for anything. Neither did their crowd. That tells a story in itself.

The penalty was scored and from then on there was precious little point in Dumbarton continuing playing as the players and fans knew they were not going to get anything from the ref. They did try, though, and we lost a third goal because we were chasing the game.

At half-time my report would have been different…..

20 mins in I would have taken 1-0. For the Shire.

The goal was conceded direct from a needlessly given away free kick, and neither wall nor goalkeeper covered themselves in glory. And yes, it is nice to have a plan B, humping it up to McLaughlin – who gave us a very decent hold-up or flick on option, but not to the exclusion of everything else. But in that 20 mins Dumbarton were awarded not one single free-kick.

At half-time we should have been 4-2 up as we dominated the latter part; even though they hit the woodwork twice. The 4 would have included the blatant penalty we weren’t given when Ross Clark was pushed in the back in the box; a much more obvious foul than the one Shire got in our last encounter at Ochilview. The Shire keeper had several good saves; one incredible one. We lost Ben Gordon with what looked a broken nose or cheek bone and then Ross Clark started limping before half time and didn’t reappear. Oh, and not once, but twice, Andy Rodgers ran up to prevent Dumbarton taking a free-kick quickly. Both times he received neither booking nor warning.

Dumbarton should have won this game. In all the Shire keeper had six good saves, the other notable one in the second half with a one-on-one. That we didn’t was because we didn’t score more than once.

That we lost it, though, was due to refereeing decisions. The penalty in particular.

I don’t normally blame the ref for things but this was so outrageous I can not believe it was done innocently.

Seriously, is there no way we can get our money back under the Trades Descriptions Act or something? That wasn’t a referee. That was a complete and utter clown. Or worse. Dumbarton should ask – should insist – never to be refereed by him again.

But it wasn’t a good way to start the punishing schedule of matches. By the end of Tuesday night we could be fifth.

It’s going to be hard even to make the play-offs.

And isn’t Andy Rodgers a scabrous excuse for a footballer?

Ochilview, 15/11/08

Well. That’s the unbeaten away record comprehensively trashed, then.

We were never really in this game. I’ve not seen us play so poorly since the last away game against the same opposition. The Shire had had several chances to score before Gordon Lennon’s mistake was compounded by Mick O’Byrne and we were one down. Then Andy Rodgers conned the ref into giving a pen on the stroke of half-time. 999 times out of 1000 it wouldn’t have been given. 2-0.

A minute after half time the game was over, 3-0. At which point Jim Chapman decided to take off our right back and put on a striker. Badly though Gordon Lennon was playing – and he’s not a right back, no way – this frankly bizarre decision totally unbalanced the side and it was no surprise when Shire increased their lead, though neither goal actually came from that flank. But by this time we were in disarray and none of the defence, keeper included, was covering himself in glory.

It was like watching the Gerry McCabe era Sons. Yes, Rab, as bad as that.

The Shire are quite a big side; not uncommon in Div 3. Can we afford the luxury of two wee wide men, no matter how tricky, when our midfield seems to be being overrun – as it now has two weeks in a row? Last week Carcary wasn’t in the game. This week it was Stevie Murray’s turn to be ineffective.

Michael Moore didn’t make much of an impact, Michael Dunlop didn’t do much wrong but was caught up in the general malaise. The late goals were little consolation. Carcary created his out of nothing by collecting a bullet pass he had no right to and playing a couple of one-twos before finishing well. Ben Gordon’s header from a free kick – after a shocking tackle on Carcary by a Shire player (Bolochoweckyj?) who surely escaped a sending off only by being carried off – merely added a veneer of respectability.

I never thought I’d write this next sentence. We seemed to miss Paul Keegan as a link-up striker.

And another strange thought. Is there a point to Gary Wilson after all?

The Rock, 30/8/08

Well; we didn’t lose.

But we didn’t win either. And this time we came from in front.

But it beats getting humped 7-0.

Seventh, and with a zero goal difference.

Feels like familiar territory.